Jokes

[Matt]

Your both noobs. I don't know why your giving him a hard time.

[Scorpionz]

Its the jokes thread.

Im allowed to joke!

[serpant]

im not giving him a hard time, i was just giving my opinion on his joke, just like other people do (which doesnt make us noobs btw )

[Stoned-Monkey]

I'm new to the site but I wanna get in on the fun

Theres 2 men sitting at a table at the back of a bar. One of them goes up to the bartender and tells him he wants to make a bet. He says he'll bet the bartender 50 bucks he can piss into a shotglass from 15 feet away. The bartender thinking this is a good way to make some extra cash, takes the bet. So the mans tryin to piss in the shotglass, missing completely...Getting his excretions all over the tables, floor, customers and even the bartender. But the bartender is content...He just made 50 bucks. But he was curious as to why the man made such an impossible bet so he had to ask. The man just replied "Well, I bet that guy over there 100 bucks that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be happy about it".

Im not done yet... ;D

Theres 2 men sitting in a bar...

Man 1: Man...Last night I was so drunk I went home and blew chunks...

Man 2: Ah, thats okay. Happens to us all.

Man 1: No man you don't understand...Chunks is my dog!

;D

[Livre]

LMAO

They are pretty funny!

[RG]

Hope this don't offend anyone...

Four Homosexual guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi sitting back and relaxing and having a glass of wine.

When up pops a big ole nasty glob of jizz.

One of the guys looks at the others and asks...OK now who farted...

[Scorpionz]

?

[Livre]

scorpionz said:

?

The feelings mutual ;D

I'm sure it's very funny, I just don't get it...

[RG]

Oh boy...where do I go with this...

They are homosexual men...and homosexual guys like to...how do I put this...ever heard that song...Do it in the butt...

Hopefully you can figure it out from there.

[Scorpionz]

I don't see how having a strecthed asshole affects the joke..

[Livre]

I was doing so well up to this part:

rg said:

When up pops a big ole nasty glob of jizz.

The words underlined are words i don't understand. Sorry for ruining the joke RG

[hoodedh2005]

Heres a load about kids at school...


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
************************************************** **

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
************************************************** **

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
************************************************** **

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
************************************************** **

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'


A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
she's dead."
************************************************** **

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
************************************************** **

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[hoodedh2005]

Sorry for the double post but i ahd to post this lol.



A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents
gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the
course.
" So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've
>>implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the
recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned
to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin around with that little
redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to
your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[Peaches]

haha ;D thats funny

[Scorpionz]

Thats awesome.