Jokes

[Lex wishes he was > TDP]

poor dog

[Raped Ape]

The only jokes I know are real groaners. I apologize in advance.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

GROUND BEEF! ;D

[Livre]

*Groans*

;D

[Livre]

Sorry about the double post.


The Annoyin Things People Do!!!!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours?
Do I point at my cr*tch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a*se to search the entire room for theTV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is.Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No t*sser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".Didn't really give me a choice there,did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.
If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short".
what the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!!
What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*bhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? Ears?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....
It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw so I can jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McT*sser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off...

[hoodedh2005]

some of them are soo true but i have an explanation for one...

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No t*sser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

if you take a girl to the cinema and get up to stuff lol

[pinkie]

EVER WONDER...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

[Matt]

Most of those have perfectly logical explanations. But since Im not the intelligent type -- lmao

[xprime]

Some of you may remember Red Skeleton ... here is his quotes on Marriage!

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship....She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds....Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary...."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said...So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands...If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker...She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" ....So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor....I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days....Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"....The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.... I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months....I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though... My wife asked "What's on the TV?" ....I said "Dust!"

[jaymee]

I thought it was funny


Better relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[Matt]

*exalt*

[THUNDER-K9]

That was good Jaymee... got any more?

[pinkie]

This one always makes me laugh


"I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much...

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT ? What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. " And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either."

[Livre]

HAHAHA, that was real funny Pinkie!

Thanks for bringing this thread back Jaymee

[THUNDER-K9]

Lmao, I think I have seen that same look before!

[jaymee]

That was great Pinkie!!

Here is another one:



Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."