Jokes

[Matt]

Lmao

[jaymee]

This one really made me laugh:

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Didn't want to double post so here's another one, lol

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[THUNDER-K9]

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drank 1 liter
of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other
words, we are consuming 2 lbs. of POOP each year !

(The important part)

However, we don't run that risk when drinking wine, rum, whiskey,
vodka, beer or other liquors, because alcohol has to go through a
distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = POOP

BOOZE = HEALTH

Free yourself of POOP, drink BOOZE !!!

It's better to drink booze and feel like shit than drink water and be
full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm doing
it as a public service.

[Ironhorse]

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Nobody.
Nobody who?
.........................................................................................






Best one yet, right?

[jaymee]

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

[Scorpionz]

scorpionz said:

No-one was posting anything.....Heres this! No offence to those who live in the us or anything:) being australian this is funny!

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Posted nearly a year ago.

Sorry Jay.

Those were the days.

[-=Chaos=-]

Lol, there is good funni jokes in here i can't belive i missed alot. ;D keep it up took me while reading all of them.

[justice]

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Friendly.
Friendly Wh..*punch this person in the face*
Just Kidding.

[misunderstood]

Okay, heres my joke, kinda loing but w/e

A blonde is driving down the road and sees this other blonde in the middle of a corn filed in a rowboat rowing around in circles like a moron. So the other blonde pulls up to the side of the corn field and yells "its blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! and if i could swim id come outh there and kick your ass!"

^Pay attention to every detail if you dont get it.^

(sorry for the profanity, not sure about the rule on that whether theres circumstances or not)

[Matt]

Lol

[ko71991]

Lol.

[dason]

LMAO!!!!!! wow .... I was a former stand-up-comedian before i joined the servises.... you guys put me to shame!

I was once surfing the net and found something very funny online.... a harvard Grad student wrote an essay about whether hell's endothermic or exothermic. Here's how it went:

hell is exothermic, because there are countless religions in the world that say that if you arn't apart of that religion and ONLY that religion then your soul will go to hell because of this ALL souls go to hell

I asked maria to have sex with me and she said: "when hell freezes over you UGLY @$$HOLE!!!!" and since i have yet to have an affair with her. then hell had not frozen over, further proving that it is exothermic.

this student recived the only A!

[Silverkent]

Well this is my first joke in english, its hard to translate all, hope you all understand.

There is an accident with a full bus of nuns and all passes away. All arrives at the sky and tries to enter but in the door this San Pedro and says to them: - “Calmed sisters, please they form an India row and they answer my question”. - “ To see Sister Maria, you have touched a penis sometimes” - “Jijijijji, good then single once and was with the end of my finger” - “This good,” - it says San Pedro, - “It puts your finger in the blessed water and enter”. - “To see Sister Ines, you have touched a penis sometimes” - “Then if, but single I took hold it with the left hand.” - “Good it puts your left hand in the blessed water and enter.” In that tremendous uproar is heard and one of the nuns pushing finally manages to arrive until the front. - “ But so that as much uproar daughter mine” - “It watches excellence, if I am going to wash my mouth with that water, I want to do it before Sister Beatriz washes the ass with her…”

[Matt]

Lmfao.

The english was a little off, but it was a great joke.

[Manolito]

matt if u understood the joke can u retell it?