Jokes

[Scorpionz]

*claps with enthusiasim* thats more like it !

[Matt]

roflmfao

[comic23]

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

_____________________________________________


An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[Scorpionz]

meh i have seen them before.

Ps. I know where you get those jokes comic!

Muhahahaha

[†Army_Man†]

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis".

His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied...:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

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A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man said, "I'll let you come in on one condition. You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time.

The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."

[Matt]

omfg... OUCH

[Ironhorse]

Ouch, that third one hurt me!

[Scorpionz]

No-one was posting anything.....Heres this! No offence to those who live in the us or anything:) being australian this is funny!

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Matt]

LoL, I heard that before but its still funny... And all thats true in canada aswell =P Though I could explain pretty much everything you posted so that it made sense, nice.

[Scorpionz]

lol they are a bit old...... funny still! Im out of them for a while have to go to school for a couple of days

[Matt]

I wrote this from memory so it may not be as good as the original But I laughed my ass off when I first heard it.

Chinease guy, Italian guy, and a newfy (from newfoundland canada) are construction workers, building a building. The three of them are on the 12th floor of the incomlpete building having a lunch break.
Chinease guy opens his lunch box. "Rice? Why does my wife always make me rice! just because Im chinease I have to eat rice every day???"

Italian guy opens his. "Lasagna? Hey Im with you, you know what, Im so sick of this, that if my wife makes me lasagna for lunch again, Im going to jump off this building! The Chinease guy agrees. Then the newfy opens his lunch box. "Bologny again? everytime I eat lunch its a balogny sandwhich.", frustrated, the newfy agrees that the next day, if he has a bologny sandwhich he will jump off the building.

The next day the chinease guy opens up his lunch box and usre enough, rice. "Im sick of this!" he says as he jumps off the building. The newfy looking shocked turns to the italian who opens up his lunch box. he sighs, puts down his luch box which sure enough has lasagna in it, and jumps.

Now the newfy opens his, and of course, its a bologny sandwhich, so as promised, he leaps off of the building.
A week later they have the 3 funurals together, and the chinease wife is crying saying "why would he jump off over rice?!? hes of chinease hertage he should love rice" the italian wife nodding says, "and my husband, jumping over lasagna?!? what kind of an italian would do such a thing."

Over in the corner the first 2 wives see the newfy wife crying her heart out, more than anyone else. The italian wife says, "You must of loved him very much to be so upset", the newfy wife says, "Yes, but its not that." "What then?" Asks the chinease wife. The newfy wife looks at her and replys, "He makes his own lunch."

[Scorpionz]

Thats Funny ;D *exalt*

[Ironhorse]

Haha, you told that here before Matt, but it still was really funny!

[comic23]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Matt]

comic23 said:

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

end linked me to that a while ago, funny as hell, very nice.

And I did Iron? O.o makes sense... my uncle told me that one a long time ago.